


Challenges of a Soul

by HeidiBug731



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Afterlife, Complete, Gen, Heaven, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, Post - Deathly Hallows, backdated
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-07
Updated: 2011-01-11
Packaged: 2018-03-05 13:32:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3122051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeidiBug731/pseuds/HeidiBug731
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After his death, Severus Snape finds Lily Evans leaning over him. She's been appointed his guardian in the journey he must take to purify his soul. But can he face his past and overcome his deepest grudges to gain access to eternal life?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lily

_To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure._ \- Albus Dumbledore

 

 

Life was leaving him as quickly as the blood flowing from his neck. The wound throbbed with piercing pain and he struggled to find breath as blood filtered into his airways. His body grew cold, and fear restricted his lungs more than the blood flow. So he reached out, pulling the boy toward him to look into those eyes that just might have the power to save him or at least offer some comfort.

"Look… at… me."

And the boy did look, straight at him. And for a moment he was with Lily and the pain and struggle he was under died away. He gripped the soft cotton of the boy's robes more tightly as he gazed into those emerald green eyes, waiting for death to take him.

"You can let go now, Severus."

The shock of the voice made him gasp, and he relinquished his hold instantly. He knew that voice and was certain of its owner, despite the fact he hadn't heard it in nearly three decades. Once he let go, the owner of the voice drew back far enough that Severus could see her face. Lily Evans was looking down at him.

He gave a cry and scuttled backwards from her out of surprise. Lily was dead. So how was she kneeling before him in the exact spot Harry Potter had been in moments before?

She raised her hand in a gesture of calm. "It's alright, Sev. Take a breath."

The use of the nickname, which he hadn't heard since they'd parted ways, calmed him. And he took a breath, a deep and long one.

"You're dead," he said, finally.

"And so are you."

His hand shot to his neck in an effort to prove her wrong, feeling for the wound there. But it was gone. He gabbed at the other side of his neck, thinking he must have been mistaken. But there was nothing there either.

He looked down at his hands, expecting blood, but there was none. His hands had betrayed him. There was surely a wound on his neck, they just couldn't find it. And then he saw the cracks - lines running along his hands, up his arms, through his stomach and his legs. He could see right through the lines in some places to the floor of light below him. For that matter, it wasn't much of a floor, just light that was somehow solid or at least able to hold up his weight. "I'm…"

"Fractured." Lily finished for him. "Most souls have scars, some souls have deeper scars than others. And then some souls, injured from committing murder…" She paused here, staring at him, not with hatred or disgust, but with compassion. "Are fractured."

He looked her over, and could see no scars. She appeared solid but she had a glow, as though she was somehow made of the same light he was sitting on. He looked around. Above, below, and around them was nothing but light - an endless hall of light, stretching farther than he could see. And here and there, dotted among the light were a countless number of doors.

"Where am I?" he asked.

"This is in between." He stared at her, and she tried to clarify. "After death but before the afterlife."

"I'm dead?" he said it more as a confirmation to himself than as a question.

"Yes."

"And this place…?"

"Is a kind of testing ground. Everyone is brought here after death to determine the condition of their soul."

He looked down at his hands again. "This isn't my physical body?" It looked to him like he was in pieces, but those pieces stubbornly refused to fall away from one other another. Somehow, his soul was holding itself together.

"You left your physical body behind when you died. It's just your soul now."

"And it's fractured?" Compared to how Lily's soul looked, it seemed clear his soul wasn't in any good condition.

"You can be healed," at this point, she stood up and walked over to him. She took his hands and helped him to his feet, "but it will take some effort. There are tests you have to face."

"…Okay." He wasn't sure he understood exactly what was going on. But he was distracted by how real her hands felt on his own, as though they weren't two souls but two bodies touching, skin on skin. "Lily, I…" He found it difficult to sum up all he wanted to say to her. He wanted to tell her he was sorry for the role he'd played in her death, wanted to tell her how much he'd missed her friendship, wanted to tell her…

"We'll have time to talk later," she said. "Right now, there are more important things."

"Like what?"

"Saving your soul." She released his hands (he wished she hadn't), and gestured at the many doors around them. "Here, your soul is tested. And if you're deemed pure, then you are granted eternal life."

He seriously doubted the chances of his soul being deemed pure. "And if not?"

"Then… you're granted eternal death."

"Which is… what?"

She furrowed her brow. "I don't honestly know… and I don't want to know." She shook her head. "It's not something you should have to worry about."

"I don't think that I-"

Her hands came back to his and squeezed. "You'll do fine. Trust me."

He did trust her, much more than he had ever trusted anyone in his life. But still, he didn't see how this could turn out well.

"I will be here every step of the way," she said. "I was appointed your guardian, which means I'm here to help you."

"Okay…" He supposed with Lily on his side, things couldn't turn out  _too_  badly. He looked down at his fractured soul to remind himself he was indeed dead. "What do I have to do?"

She released his hands again and started leading him down the hall of light. "You'll go through a series of doors. I won't actually be able to come in with you, but I will there when you enter and once you exit. I can't interfere once you're inside. What happens in there will be up to you."

"What am I going to find in there?" He was starting to like this idea less, especially now he realized Lily wasn't going to be with him the entire time.

She stopped walking and turned to face him. "It's going to be trials from your life, things that left you scarred and fractured." She gestured to the lines covering his soul. "You're going to have to face them. And if you can overcome them, you'll be healed. And if you can't…"

"I won't be," he finished for her.

"Right."

"And if I'm not healed," he said, speaking the words she seemed to have trouble saying. "Then I'm… impure?"

She hesitated, as though she would rather not think about it. "Yes."

"What if I don't want to take the test?" he asked, thinking it might be the easier route.

She let out a long breath as she spoke. "Then you are stuck here, in limbo, until you do."

Lost forever in a beautiful hall of light with Lily didn't seem like a bad idea at all.

"And I go away," she continued, as though she had read his thoughts. "Until you change your mind."

 _Well, scratch that idea._ "I don't have a choice, then."

She shook her head. "No, you don't."

He was silent for a moment. He studied her, staring at her eyes, intense and waiting. She wanted him to go through with this.

"… All right. Show me the first door."

 

 

He was young, much too young to understand what was happening. But his parents' voices were loud and he didn't like it. He stood in the corner, adding his own cries to theirs.

He grew older. Their arguments became worse and he cried less, but the corner never changed. He always stood in the same one. Sometimes he'd sink to the floor and hug his knees and wait for it all to end. Sometimes he'd stand and watch with silent tears running down his face. But he'd always go to the corner behind the sofa. The corner meant safety even though it never meant an end to the scenes that played out before his eyes.

His parents' arguments consisted only of raised voices at first. But over the years, the two of them started banging on tables or walls to make their point. Then his mom started breaking things. Then his dad started throwing things - first breakables, then fists.

One time, Severus got up the nerve to leave the corner and run from the house. He ran up the hill to the playground, and it was there he first met Lily. She was playing by herself, and it had seemed to him that she was an angel sent to save him, at least temporarily, from the horrors of his house.

As time went on, he would often run up that hill to escape his parents' fighting. Sometimes Lily wouldn't be there, but most of the time she was. Those days, running from his parents to Lily, were both the worst and happiest times of his life.

Every single argument his parents ever had played before Severus' eyes as he stepped through the door Lily opened for him. But he wasn't just viewing them, he was reliving them. He was standing in that corner watching them fight. He felt himself at three years old, powerless to understand, let alone do anything but bawl. He felt himself at five years old, sobbing and begging his parents to stop. Then he was eight, tucked away in the corner and in tears but silent.

And then he wasn't sure what age he was, but he knew exactly which fight was playing out before him. This was the fight that changed his parents' arguments forever. He remembered running from the house up the hill to Lily and coming home to find his mother with bruises and the house quieter than it had ever been. It was a quiet that marked his father's realization that he could win any fight.

Severus had never actually seen his father hit his mother when he'd been a child, but he had seen the bruises. And when he hadn't seen bruises, he had noticed the quiet. Lily would ask him how bad things were at home, and he would shrug. She would assume he didn't want to talk about it. And that much was true, but mostly he couldn't tell her how bad things were because he didn't exactly know… But he could put two and two together.

As the fight before Severus played out, he felt his legs moving him toward the door. He would run, run to Lily, and she would save him. But as he pulled on the doorknob, the door wouldn't open. He pulled again, nothing. A third time he tried, but the door was stuck. That hadn't happened in real life.

He turned slowly from the door to face his parents. And he realized he wasn't a kid any longer. No, he was himself, an adult, with all his years of serving Voldemort and Dumbledore behind him. So, what has he supposed to do? Running away wasn't an option this time. And if his parents' fights had wounded him spiritually… was he supposed to try to put an end to it?

"Stop!" he tried yelling at his parents, but it was as though they couldn't hear him.

His father picked up a book from one of the shelves and threw it. Then he grabbed a glass from the table. His mother dodged and the yelling continued.

"Stop!" he tried again, taking a step forward this time.

His mother picked up her wand - never to use, but only to threaten - his father threw a fist. And it connected.

There was silence as all three people in the room stood in shock. The sound his father's hand had made against his mother's cheek seemed to reverberated throughout the small sitting room. No one moved. Then his mother raised her wand again, maybe to defend herself this time, but his father hit her again, realizing he had power now. As his mother backed away, his father advanced on her, yelling.

Severus felt himself moving forward. He grabbed the back of his father's shirt and threw him across the room, away from his mother. He stood between the two of them as his father regained his balance.

"Leave her alone," he said to his father.

His father looked right at him. It was a power hungry look. Severus had seen that look many times while working for Voldemort, and he'd seen it on his own face on more than one occasion. The look took him aback.

His father came at him. Realizing he had no wand, Severus raised his hands and hit his father with a punch that sent him stumbling backward. "I said, leave her alone!"

His father steadied himself against the armchair and wiped a drop of blood from his lip.

"You will  _not_ touch her!" At first, Severus thought his father might lunge at him again. But his father's body began to dissolve until there was nothing but air and the sitting room began to reshape itself.

Whether because of his unhappy home life or because of the leather bound books blanketing the walls, the sitting room had always felt like a padded cell. But the candle-lit lamp hanging from the ceiling burst with a brilliant warm light that it had never possessed during his lifetime. As the light fell upon the room, things changed as if by magic.

The threadbare sofa and armchair looked comfortable and overstuffed. The rickety table he'd remembered appeared sturdy. The books lining the walls were now new and somehow added color to the room instead of taking it away. It was as though a professional decorator had cme in and redone the place. Severus hardly recognized his family's home. Everything was just as it had been, yet the room felt open, charming, and inviting as it never had before.

He turned, and there behind him stood his mother. "Severus," she smiled. "Why don't you have a seat?"

"M-mother?" If it hadn't been that she had his nose, he wouldn't have believed it. She looked full and fit and happy. He had never seen her like that before.

He sat in the armchair, whether out of obedience or shock he wasn't sure. His mother sat down across from him on the sofa. He was struck by how beautiful she looked. It was a word he never would have used to describe her before. Not that she had been ugly, but he hadn't considered her anymore of a charmer than he had considered himself.

But she was beautiful now. Though all her physical features were unchanged, she had the same glow about her as Lily and she seemed to radiate warmth. She grasped his hand, and he could feel that warmth.

"It's so good to see you," she said. "I wish we could have more time together, but I can't hold you up. Lily did tell you about the tests?"

"Lily?" He stared at his mother who had only ever referred to Lily as "that girl."

"Yes, Lily," his mother continued, apparently unaware of how out of character she was being. "Look around you, Severus. What is missing from this house?"

He looked beside the chair where he'd seen the body dissolve. "My father."

"That's right. You're father isn't here. He went on the same journey you are on, and he didn't make it." She looked down at the table, took a shaky breath, and looked back up at him. She gave his hand a squeeze. "His soul was sent somewhere else, somewhere you don't want to go."

"I don't-"

"Listen to me, Severus," she leaned in toward him, her eyes shining. "I wasn't able to give you the kind of life at home that you deserved. Your father and I should have been better parents, but we weren't. I should have been a better mother, but I wasn't it. And I want the opportunity to make that up to you. I want to see you back here again. So you listen to everything Lily tells you, and you find your way back here because I don't want hear you went the same way as your father."

She was in tears now, large drops of tears that rolled down her face. And she raised her hands to cover her eyes. Severus pulled his own hand away in surprise. He had often seen her in tears as a child, but always in tears of frustration or anger or pain, never in compassion.

"I love you, Severus," she said. "I never told you enough while you were living under my roof, if I told you at all. And I'm so sorry. I should have told you every day."

He sat dumbfounded in his chair. Again, he was compelled to believe that this was not his mother. The woman before him could not be the one he remembered always screaming and fighting with his father, always bemoaning how unhappy she was, and never having time for her son.

But she lowered her hands to look at him, tears staining her face, and he saw that prominent nose, that nose that he'd inherited. And there could be no doubt that he was her son. She wasn't the mother he remembered, but she was definitely his mother. She'd been transformed somehow into the mother he'd always wanted.

She laid her tear soaked hand on his own, and again he felt that warmth that seemed to radiate from her.

"I love you, too, mum." It can out as barely a whisper, as though he was afraid to speak the words. And for a moment he thought he'd only said them in his head instead of out loud. They felt foreign on his tongue from lack of use.

But that didn't make the statement less true. He'd always loved both of his parents, throughout his entire childhood, despite their fighting and despite how he'd thought they felt about him. It was a feeling he'd always thought was naturally hard-wired into a child's mind, something he had no control over. But for the first time in the existence of his soul, he was glad to have that emotion because it was finally being returned.

As he was sitting in that chair, smiling faintly at his mother, he heard a click behind him. He turned, and light shone on his face, so bright he had to shield his eyes. A door of light had opened up out of thin air.

"You go on," his mother told him. "Lily's waiting for you."


	2. Potter and Black

The door closed behind him as Severus stepped through. Lily was standing just a few feet from him, smiling. "That wasn't so bad, was it?"

"That was weird," he said honestly. "She was never that happy… or nice."

"Well, that was life. This is the afterlife. People are different here."

"Apparently… y-you've met her?"

"Oh, yes," she nodded. "We've hung out loads of times."

The image of Lily and his mother "hanging out" was too foreign for him to entertain for long. "So… you can see other people in the afterlife?"

"Of course. What would the afterlife be if you couldn't share it with people? You can visit anyone you'd like… within reason."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, they have to want to see you, too. For instance, I think it would be really fascinating to meet Merlin. But he has no clue who I am, so why would he want to see me?"

Severus laughed. "You tried to see Merlin?"

"Once or twice." Her face lit up. "It's Merlin! I mean, who wouldn't want to meet him?" She shook her head. "I'm sure he gets it all the time."

They continued walking. Severus amused himself with memories of Lily as a girl, how she would become excited over the simplest and sometimes, to him, the strangest things. But memories of her face bright and smiling, of her grabbing and hugging him out of excitement, led to thoughts of the night she told him she never wanted to speak to him again. He thought of the Death Eaters, their pull too strong for him to try restoring their friendship. He thought of his own power lust, his own greed, his own desire for revenge against the hardships of his life.

"What is it, Sev?" Lily asked, sensing the change in his mood.

He didn't answer right way, his thoughts keeping him occupied. "Did you ever meet my father?"

She shook her head. "He didn't pass the test, and I wasn't his guardian, so… Your mother talks about him sometimes, only good things. It's sad because there was good in him - there must have been for your mum to talk about him like that - but I guess the bad parts won out."

"Right…"

She stopped walking and turned to face him. "What is it?"

Again, he didn't speak right away, the thoughts in his mind jumping around so much he found it hard to form words. "In the door, back there… I know he wasn't really there but… there was a look in his eyes. He beat up my mother because it gave him power. He could end the fight whenever he wanted and he could make the result whatever he wanted. And I…" He looked up from the floor and straight at Lily. "I know what that's like. The fact that he - that my father - was hurting someone he loved, it wasn't enough to stop him. It should have been, but it wasn't."

Lily pursed her lips and looked down at the ground.

"He knew he was doing wrong," Severus continued, never taking his eyes off her. "But the lure of control, of power… it was too great. It swallowed him up. He didn't truly understand the damage he was doing until it was too late, until he'd lost everything." He wasn't sure if he was still talking about his father.

"Sev –" she tried.

"Lily, I –"

She lunged forward and pressed a finger to his lips, silencing him. "We will have time to talk later, I promise. And we can throw what happened between us right out in the open, and you can say everything that you want to say. But right now, there are other things we need to do, okay?"

He nodded because her finger was still pressed against his mouth.

"Okay." She took her finger away. "And, to backtrack our conversation a bit, you are not your father."

He inhaled sharply. "I repeated the same mistake he made."

Her eyes lit up, and she gestured wildly with her hands. "And the fact that you can call it a mistake proves that you've learned from it, which is more than your father could have said because if he could have said that, then he would be here."

She was smiling at him. And she also had a look of incredulity, like she couldn't see how he couldn't understand. But he didn't. So what if he had "learned" from his mistake? That mistake had cost peoples' lives. Surely that was enough to condemn him?

She sighed in exasperation. "Come here." She grabbed his arm and pulled him down toward the floor. "I want to show you something."

She released him and stretched out her arm. She touched the fingers of her hand together, forming a kind of beak with which she touched the floor. Then she splayed her fingers out and a circle, like a hole, appeared beneath her hand. With both hands, she grasped the edges of the circle and pulled it wider.

Severus was amazed. He reached out to see if it truly was a hole, but Lily smacked his hand back. "Don't touch. Just look."

He peered into the hole. He was looking down upon a train platform. It took him a minute to realize - as soon as he noticed the scarlet Hogwarts Express - that it was platform nine and three quarters. The vision he was viewing zoomed in, providing him with a side view of a particular family. The woman had red hair and her husband's was an untidy black. They had three children with them; the girl's hair was red like her mother's and the two boys had inherited their father's untidy mop.

The mother hugged her older son.  _"Don't forget to give Neville our love!"_

 _"Mum! I can't give a professor_ love _!"_

Severus was extremely confused. He didn't know a Hogwarts professor by the name of Neville.

There was a series of goodbyes between the mother and father and their two sons. Severus kept a close watch on the father. There was something about him… something extremely familiar… Then he noticed the eyes and the lightening scar. Severus was looking upon Harry Potter's family.

He glanced a quick look over at Lily. Why was he viewing this?  _How_ was he viewing this? Harry Potter wasn't married with children… at least, not the last time he'd noticed. But Lily waved an impatient hand at the viewing hole and he returned his attention to it.

 _"What if I'm in Slytherin?"_  asked the younger boy to his father.

 _"Albus Severus,"_  said the man, and Severus jumped at the name.  _"You were named for two headmasters of Hogwarts. One of them was a Slytherin and he was probably the bravest man I ever knew."_

Severus was in such a state of shock that he didn't hear the rest of the conversation before the boy rushed off to join his brother on the train.

At length, Lily pulled back from the scene, waiting for Severus to say something. He held out his hands wordlessly toward the viewing hole. He opened his mouth, then closed it, then tried again. "What did I just watch?"

She laughed at the speech difficulty he was having, "Too crazy to be true?"

He continued gesturing at the hole. "How is this… what is this? Is this the future?"

"Well, the future is irrelevant here, but to make things simple for you, yes. This is the future of the living world."

"And Potter names his son after…" He couldn't finish it. He just couldn't.

"Yes, Harry names his son after you."

He struggled to speak again. " _Why?_ " he sputtered, staring at the hole as though it had to have shown him a false vision. This could not be true. It just couldn't be. Harry Potter would never in a million years… "I made his life as miserable as possible!" He jumped as soon as the words came out, turning slowly to look at Lily. He had just admitted how terribly he had treated her son.

"I know how you treated, Harry," she assured him. "I can view any space of time I'd like from here. But that's not the point. The point is that even after everything you did, Harry named his son after you."

"And what in the name of Merlin would posses him to do that?"

"Didn't you hear him? He called you 'the bravest man' he ever knew."

" _Probably,_ " Severus emphasized. "P _robably_  the bravest…" Again, he couldn't finish the sentence. He sat back, away from the hole, and stared off at some distant space of light. This did not make sense. And he knew no matter how long he sat there and tried to wrap his mind around it, it would never make sense. "I don't understand," he said at last.

Lily closed the hole in the floor with her finger tips while he thought to himself. "You were worried that if your father wasn't admitted into eternal life, then you won't be either. But even after how unfairly you treated Harry, he still found enough good in you to name his soon after you. Don't you think that shows you have a chance?"

"Absolutely not." he said bluntly. "The boy is mental. How does that prove-?"

"It was because of your love for me," she said, and those words shut him up. "Even Dumbledore called it the best part of you. It was your love for me that drove you to risk your life, not only in initially turning against Voldemort but also in going to Dumbledore for help. Your love for me gave you the strength to spend the rest of your life spying on Voldemort and protecting a boy who caused you pain every time you looked at him. Your love for me motivated you to sacrifice yourself when it would have been so much easier not to."

She stood up. "Love is everything, Severus. If you don't possess the capacity to love, then you won't have much of a life, and you certainly won't be granted access to eternal life. And I'm not saying your father couldn't love, but the darkness within him was too great and it strangled everything else. Just the opposite is true in you. That's what Harry saw, that what I see, and you should be able to see it too."

She walked away from him, leaving him with his thoughts. It sounded so great when she put it like that. But he didn't see the second half of his life being driven by love. He remembered anger, hate, anguish, frustration… there was a lot of darkness in him and his love for her had by no means strangled it to death. Surely his fractured soul was proof of that.

Potter was mental, Lily clearly believed in him, but he… well, maybe he  _was_  doomed. And yet, as he looked up and watched Lily walk away from him, he was painfully reminded of the night outside the Gryffindor common room when she told him goodbye forever. He'd made a choice that night, the choice to follow power instead of love. And he'd regretted it ever since.

Severus stood to his feet. He wasn't giving up without a fight. He wasn't going to make the same mistake he had made before. He would follow Lily, go through any doors she wanted him too, do back flips if he had to. He might fail trying, but at least it wouldn't be his choice. Not this time.

He ran after her. And when she directed him to a door, he went through it without hesitating.

 

 

He was hit with a flood of memories, ones that he wasn't just watching, but reliving. James Potter nearly tripping him in the train compartment, James Potter dangling him upside down in front of the student body, James Potter attacking him in the hallway… Over and over again, throughout his Hogwarts years, James Potter coming after him.

And then suddenly he was in a sitting room he didn't recognize. He looked down at his hands, and he could see the lines running through them. He wasn't in a memory. Thank Merlin.

"Hello, Severus."

He jumped and looked up to see James Potter standing behind the sofa. Years of bullying had trained Severus' reflexes, and his hand went instinctively to his wand… which he realized a moment later he didn't have.

Potter raised his hands. "I'm not here to attack you, Severus."

"Then what are you here for?"

"Well… to save your soul," he said, as though that should have been obvious.

Severus looked his long-time adversary up and down. Potter was glowing with the same light he had seen with Lily and his mother. He knew instantly that this was going to be so much harder than the last door he'd gone through. This time, he was face to face with the real James Potter, not a memory he had to overcome.

"I know you're not going to believe this," Potter continued. "But I want you to succeed. I don't want you to end up like your father."

Severus bristled. How did he know about that? What right did he have to know about something so personal?

Potter continued as though he hadn't noticed Severus' reaction. "I hate to think of the scars I left on you. I was cruel to you. I did and said things that I never should have. Truth is, I was a spoiled brat who was used to getting everything I wanted, exactly the way I wanted it. And when I first saw you and Lily together on that train, I couldn't understand how you could be with a girl as beautiful as her and not me. That just wasn't right in my mind, and I couldn't live with it.

"In a way, looking at it, it just doesn't seem right that the bully got the girl. And I'm sure that's how you see it. What I did to you, Severus, is inexcusable, and I am truly sorry. And I know you don't believe that, but I am. I had some growing up to do, and in life I realized what an arse I had been. I'm not trying to make it up for it - I know I'll never be able to - I'm just trying to help you understand."

Potter came around from the sofa and sat down on it. Severus expected him to continue talking, but he gestured to the armchair. "You can have a seat if you'd like."

"I'd prefer to remain standing."

"Okay…" He scratched the back of his neck, looking nervously around the room.

Severus was uncertain as to what he was meant to do to pass this test. "Am I… supposed to… accept your hospitality?"

Potter laughed. "No. No, it's much more complicated than that, Severus… You're supposed to forgive me."

Severus was taken aback. Forgive him? For what he'd done to him at school? For what he'd done after?

"Funny thing is," said Potter before Severus could speak. "I know you never will." He shook his head. "You see, I feel this test has been set up against you. Not intentionally, but… they set these tests up so you face each obstacle in order of how deeply they scarred you. And while the scars left on you from my antics at Hogwarts are minor compared to what else you'll face, we both know your hatred for me goes deeper than bullying."

Severus had nothing to say. He knew what Potter meant and there was no need to elaborate.

"I may be at the bottom of the list when it comes to the depth of scars I left on your soul," Potter said. "But when it comes right down to it, this is about the fact I got Lily and you didn't. And you're never going to let go of that, at least not yet.

"So here's the deal. I am going to let you pass." He reached out with his hand and seemed to grasp thin air. But, as though it had been there the whole time and Severus simply couldn't see it, Potter opened a door.

At first, Severus felt relieved, and then, indignant. "I don't need a free pass from you, Potter."

"Yes, you do," he said simply.

Severus shook his head. "I'm not going through that door." The last thing he wanted was Potter's charity.

Potter stood up and advanced toward Severus. "Then shake my hand."

Severus recoiled away from him.

"I didn't think so." Potter turned back to the sofa. "You're just going to have to get over the thought that you're accepting help from me… or that it's a trap and I'm setting you up - whichever one you're thinking right now."

Severus glanced repeatedly between Potter and the door. He couldn't. He just couldn't. But what about that resolution he'd made before? He'd do back flips if he had to… But this wasn't back flips. This was dueling underwater with no wands or gillyweed.

And then Severus noticed certain floral patterns… on the sofa, the table cloth… certainly, Potter hadn't chosen them himself.

"This is… your and Lily's house?"

Potter nodded slowly. "Yes. It is."

"The same as when you were living?" Severus turned his head toward the hall, his eyes traveling up the stairs.

"A replica of it, yes," was Potter's reply.

For a moment, Severus considered going upstairs. But then he changed his mind. He didn't want to see it. He didn't want to see where she'd died because he'd failed to save her.

And then he thought about Lily, who was undoubtedly standing outside the door, waiting for him to return to her. He couldn't fail this test. Lily was trying to save to him, and if he didn't walk through that door… he couldn't do that to her. He would accept Potter's help if it meant Lily didn't have to feel the way he had felt when she'd died, the crushing feeling that he'd wanted so badly to save her and hadn't done enough to succeed. That feeling had haunted him for most of his life. He wouldn't let it haunt her.

_I'll walk through the damn door._

Potter snapped his head up, as though Severus had said the words out loud.

"She won't be there," he said once Severus had crossed the room and placed his hand on the doorknob. "I forced the door, so it won't admit you into the hall where she's waiting. It will only carry you to the next test."

Severus gripped the doorknob in anger. He wanted to turn around and fix Potter with a look of scorn - the only thing he could do without his wand. But he remained facing the door.  _Back flips, Lily,_ he said in his mind.  _This is me doing back flips._

Then turned the knob and pushed the door open.

 

 

It was Hogwarts memories all over again. Most of them were repeats of before, but some were not. And they all featured one particular person. Severus relived countless tauntings and attacks. And then came memories after Hogwarts.

_Severus turned to face Black, who stood from the chair to defend his godson. Both men drew their wands, ready to duel. Harry Potter forced himself between them. Black pushed his godson out of the way._

And then Severus was in a room he did not recognize. Yet another sitting room - small, with only a table and chair. There was a bookshelf half filled with books and half filled with other odds and ends. The room was untidy with well used. There were no floral patterns or other obvious feminine touches like the ones at Potter's house. No, this was most definitely a bachelor's pad.

Severus turned around, almost instinctively, to find coming in from the kitchen behind him, none other than Sirius Black.

Severus looked down at his hands to confirm what he already knew. He wasn't in a memory. This was reality.

"Hello, Severus."

It stuck him now how odd it was for Potter and Black to be addressing him by his first name. And not only that, but they seemed to be doing so without a hit of scorn or sarcasm. Lily had said people were different in the afterlife. Maybe this was an example.

Severus nodded at Black's greeting, mostly because he didn't know what else to do.

Black had a cup of tea in his hand. He looked down and stirred it absentmindedly. "I'd offer you a chair," he said at last. "But you're not going to take it." Without waiting for a reply, he crossed the room and sat down at the chair by the table. He sipped at his tea.

Severus was starting to feel impatient when Black slapped the table and turned to face him. "Well," he said, "might as well cut to the chase. You're here because I left scars on you." He gestured to Severus' soul. "And they are deeper than the ones left on you by James."

Black stood up and started pacing the small room. "When it comes down to it, James was the guy you held the biggest grudge against because he ended up with Lily. But I think we both know I left the deeper scars on you. James bullied you because you liked Lily. I  _gloated_  James  _into_  bullying you and bullied you on my own out of pure spite."

He stopped pacing and turned to face Severus. "I was raised in a family that lived by pure-blood mania, and you - despite the fact you preferred the company of a muggle born - represented all of that to me. The more comfortable you became in Slytherin and the more Death Eater friends you made, the more I looked at you and saw my family. With me against them, I was the underdog. But when it came to you, I could torment you to my heart's delight."

Black sat down again. He seemed to lack the calmness Potter had displayed in the previous room. "James was just a spoiled two-year-old who threw a tantrum when you ended up with the shinny toy before he did. I was the kid who'd had the crap kicked out of him one too many times and who decided to return it full force on an innocent bystander. James wanted to humiliate you. I was out for blood."

Severus waited, but that seemed to be all Black had to say. "Am I supposed to take that as an apology?"

"Would you accept a proper apology if I gave it to you?"

Severus nearly shook his head, then stopped himself. He had a test to pass, did he not? "I wouldn't know," he said.

"Alright, then. I'm sorry."

Severus wasn't sure what he'd expected. Maybe his scars would miraculously heal themselves. But nothing happened. Black's words had no effect.

"Didn't think so," said Black.

"I have to forgive you." Severus said it more to himself than anything. He'd been wrong before.  _This_ was like dueling underwater with no wands or gillyweed.

"Not so much  _forgive_ ," said Black. "I mean, 'forgive' is a strong word. And frankly… I'm not supposed to tell you this, but they aren't actually expecting you to forgive in so short a time. They just want to see that you have the  _capacity_ for it, proof that if you had the time, you would eventually come to full forgiveness. So don't think of it as  _forgiveness_ , just think of it as a handshake."

Somehow, that didn't make him feel any better. In life, Severus would have rather died than shake Black's hand. The only reason he would ever shake Black's hand would be under Dumbledore's orders. And he had done so, once, but very briefly and only while wishing Black to drop dead on the spot.

This handshake, Severus knew had to be completely different. He wasn't going to get off with a meaningless gesture. He had to want to move toward forgiving - something he didn't entirely believe he wanted to do. But he did want to make it through that door. He didn't want Black to be the reason he failed. And Lily was waiting for him.

He took a deep breath and exhaled. He didn't care for either of his options.

"I know it's hard," said Black. "Believe me. One of my tests was to face my mother." He shook his head. "I was in that door for hours... probably longer. But, if it helps, you should know you don't have to make a decision right away. You can take all the time you need. I'm not going anywhere. And that door isn't opening until you make a definite choice."

"I don't want to be here for an hour," said Severus honestly. Stuck alone in a room with Black for an hour? No, thank you.

"How about half?" Black suggested.

"Definitely not."

"Fifteen minutes?"

"No."

"Five?"

Severus nodded, considering his options. "Five is… I can live with it."

"Okay. I'll be back in five." Black stood from the table, taking his tea with him, and retreated into the kitchen.

Severus sat down on the chair Black had occupied and ran his hands over his face. How was he going to get through this? He needed to get through that door. He was  _not_ going to let Black stop him. But shaking the man's hand… making a step toward forgiveness… he wasn't sure he could do it.

But was it worth it? Did he want to end up like his father, sent to who knows where? But where exactly had his father gone? Not even Lily could tell him. Was it really so bad? But he turned cold at the thought and his soul shivered. Wherever his father had went, it wasn't a good place. That, instinctively, he knew. Yes, it was bad. No, it was not a place he wanted to see.

He thought of Lily. What was she doing now? He hadn't come through the second door. Was she still there waiting for him? Was she worried he was taking so long? Or had she expected a talk with James to take a while? Somehow, the thoughts that had propelled him through James' door, didn't seem enough to motivate him here.

Dumbledore couldn't get him to shake Black's hand. Thoughts of Lily couldn't get him to do it. Who the hell could, then?

He thought of his mother, waiting for him to come home. Who would tell her he hadn't made it? Such a change had occurred in her since life, and it still shocked him to think about it. And it seemed that it wasn't just her. Potter and Black showed signs of change since life as well.

His mother was happy, carefree, all the baggage she had carried throughout her life thrown off. The afterlife, this place of warm light and whole, pure souls had to be something else. It had to be amazing and soul changing. And part of him, he realized, yearned for it, and wanted to relieve himself of the burdens he'd carried.

As he thought about it, he looked down at his hands and the lines there seemed to quiver, like they were trying to pull themselves together, erasing the scars, repairing the damage. This was his soul, and he'd never been more in tune with it and its desires. It wanted -  _he_ wanted to be whole. And the only way he'd achieve that was walking through that door.

Black came back into the room. "Five minutes," he said.

Severus still debated in his mind.

"I can give you more time."

"No," said Severus. "No." He needed to make a decision. Now. Before he had the chance to talk himself out of it.

A second chair appeared on the other side of the table. Black sat down in it and rested his elbow on the table, his hand held high like he was repairing to arm wrestle. "Wherever you're ready."

Severus sighed. He could do this.

But it was hard. He raised his hand toward the table, then dropped it back down to his lap. Forgive Sirius Black. Could he really? He tried raising his hand again, then dropped it down. No, no, he could do this. Why not just get his arm on the table first? No forgiveness yet, just get his arm on the table. He could do that.

Very slowly, he lifted his arm up. It really wasn't that hard once he had it raised half way. He rested his elbow on the table like Black's. And then stopped. Shake the man's hand and mean it. Couldn't be that hard, right? Just let go like Black himself had already seemed to have done.

Severus glanced at the man sitting across from him, and he saw that Black was not looking at him. He seemed to be busying himself with memorizing the titles on the bookshelf. And Severus had a sudden feeling of gratitude toward Black, something he never thought he'd ever feel toward the man. It was an amazing gesture on Black's part, allowing Severus to keep his pride while he made one of the hardest decisions of his death. It was a gesture Black had never thought to give in life. It was obvious to Severus that the man sitting before him was not the same man he had always hated.

The gap between his hand and Black's didn't seem so far of a leap any longer. And just as slowly as he raised his arm to the table, he let his hand fall toward Black's. They brushed fingertips, and Black jumped. By the time he'd turned around to face Severus properly, the two men were shaking hands.

They both laughed. Black possibly relieved or glad at Severus' choice, and Severus amazed at how easy the act seemed to be now that he had finally done it.

There was a click and a bright light fell on to Severus' face. He left go of Black's hand, went to the open door, and stepped through.


	3. The Death Eater

Lily came running at him as soon as he made it through the door. "There you are! I was so worried!" She threw her arms around him, but let go quicker than he would have liked. "James came out of that door instead of you and I thought you'd failed and he said he let you pass through and-" She let out a cry of frustration and turned away from him, mumbling as she walked. He had to jog a bit to catch up with her.

"He never should have done that," she said to no one but herself. "Never. Never. Never."

"It… seemed like… a nice gesture," he said, trying to get in on the conversation. And part of him  _was_ glad that he didn't have to face a struggle with Potter like the one with Black.

"Severus!" She turned to him. "This is your  _soul_ we're talking about! This isn't like life. There isn't something after this. You get one shot and that's it. One! And if you blow it, it's over. And, oh!" She turned around and started walking again.

Okay, so she was going to talk to herself. Probably better to just leave her alone.

"If they don't consider it a pass," she said. "If they consider it a fail and you… James Potter, why did you  _do_ that?"

She didn't stop talking to herself, not even when they reached the next door. Lily walked right up to it and put her hand on the doorknob as though she was going through it and not Severus. Then she gasped and pulled her hand away, rubbing it as though she'd been burned.

"What is it?" he asked.

"It's… it's cold," she said.

It was curious that something cold could have that kind of an effect on her. Severus strode forward and touched the doorknob. Something went straight through him, like he'd swallowed an ice cube. And yet, somehow, that ice cube burned.

He let go of the knob and the warmth of the light surrounding them drowned out the cold he'd felt.

"Why don't we take a break?" Lily suggested. She sat down on the floor without waiting for an answer.

"Do you know what's in there?" Severus asked.

She took a deep breath. "Murder."

Severus turned toward the door. He didn't need to imagine what Lily had meant. He had a pretty good idea of what he'd see in there.

He sat down next to her on the floor. She sighed, then reached over and took his hand. Holding it in one hand over her lap, she traced his scars and fractures with the other. "You've healed a lot already. Did you notice?"

He shook his head. "How can you tell?" In truth, he hadn't noticed until just then when she'd mentioned it. Though he could see there were less lines spider-webbing their way over his soul, he didn't want her to stop what she was doing.

She continued tracing the lines with her fingertips. "All those small lines are gone. You can still see the deeper ones, but…" She traced a line that wasn't as deep as the others, but it was long. It ran from his hand all the way down his arm and further. As she traced his forearm, he shivered and pulled his hand back. "Sorry."

"No," he said, rubbing his arm. "No, it's okay."

She sighed again and looked toward the door.

"So, ah," Severus tried changing the subject. "Has anyone passed the test that you hadn't expected?"

"Well… no." And then her eyes lit up. "Yes! Grindelwald passed."

Severus was taken aback. " _Really?_ " She was speaking about the same Grindelwald he was thinking of, wasn't she? "The dark wizard?"

She nodded. "I've seen him around… quite a lot actually. Did you know he and Dumbledore were really good friends before he went to the dark side?"

Severus was even more taken aback. "No… I didn't…" And then, he had a terrible thought. "Does that mean, the Dark Lord could pass?"

" _No_ ," Lily she said, and her face became very serious. "No, he couldn't. And I'm not saying that because I don't like the idea. I'm saying it because he literally can't. He'll never have to even face the tests."

"How is that possible?"

"Murder, as I've said," and here she glanced at him, "fractures the soul. But even though your soul is split, it's still able to hold itself together. When Voldemort created his horcruxes, he went beyond fractures. He ripped his soul apart. And there's no fixing that."

"So, when he dies…?"

"Upon Voldemort's death or the destruction of his horcruxes, the pieces of his soul will end up here. But a soul, once ripped apart, cannot be put back together. The pieces of Voldemort's soul will be their own separate entities, unable to function or do anything. Forever yearning to be whole again."

"A fitting fate, I guess."

Lily shook her head. "I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Not when I know how good this feels." She brought a hand to her chest, indicating her completed soul and the light that radiated from it. "I can only imagine how terrible the alternative would be."

They fell into silence, and Severus contemplated the door behind him. "I have to go through it, don't I?"

Lily nodded. "Yes, you do."

Severus stood. "And here I was hoping you would tell me you picked the wrong door."

Lily climbed to her feet. "You think you're ready?"

 _No,_ he thought to himself, but he said, "Ready as I'll ever be." Before he could talk himself out of it, he grasped the doorknob and forced his way into the cold.

 

 

And it  _was_ cold. Like the cold of the Hogwarts dungeons multiplied by ten. Severus was surprised his breath didn't form in front of his face. But then, he was a soul, after all. He wasn't actually breathing.

It was dark. He could see light, but even it had a cold blue hue to it. It wasn't bright and warm like the light he'd gotten used to seeing.

He was walking down a bricked path, darkness to either side of him. At length, he saw a faint light ahead of him. The path turned toward the light and he found himself forced to follow. His legs moved without his consent and he couldn't tear himself away.

As he neared the light, he could see it fell upon a scene from his Death Eater years. His feet forced him to the exact spot he had stood when the memory occurred and he watched it play out before him. As the victim on the ground pleaded for his life, Severus felt his hand moving of its own accord. His hand raised an invisible wand, the wand he didn't have. And then his lips formed the words  _Avada Kedavra._  As a green light flashed and the victim fell dead, a fracture in Severus' soul burned like it was being newly made.

He went on like that for a long while, visiting memory after memory, his soul burning.

Part way through his journey, he had the feeling he was being watched. As he glanced behind him, he could see the victims of his memories following him. Whenever he stopped to view a memory, they would also stop. Whenever he started moving again, they would also move, but they always remained the same distance away from him.

He found it disturbing, having these people following him. At times, he wanted to run to put more distance between him and them. But his feet were locked into one steady pace. He could not speed up, slow down, stop, or turn around of his own free will. He had to keep following the path. And as he did, the group of victims behind him grew larger and larger.

_Why are they following me? What do they want?_

And then the path stopped. There was no more light. He had reached the end. He moved to lift a foot, and it responded to his will. He had control of them again.

He turned slowly to face the group behind him. They seemed to be whispering to him.

What were they? They couldn't be souls. They didn't hold any light. He was more prepared to believe they were figments of his own nightmares come to life.

A man stepped to the front of the group. Severus recognized him. He was a muggle man. The first murder he had ever committed.

" _Severus._ " The man stretched out his arms and beckoned to him. Severus wanted nothing more than to run. But he forced his feet forward.

The whispering grew louder as he approached, and it caused him to stop. He didn't want to be here with these people, with these things.

" _Severus. Severus._ " The muggle man beckoned him again.

As Severus drew closer, he could feel the fractures of his soul beginning to burn once again. He stopped a second time.

No, he didn't like this. What was this? What was he supposed to do? "What do you want?" he asked.

The muggle man only beckoned. Severus forced himself to continue forward.

" _Severus. Severus._ "

He stopped again. The muggle man motioned with his arms.

"No. Tell me what you want."

" _Severus. Severus._ "

They weren't souls. They couldn't be souls. Souls weren't cold and dark. So, what the hell were these things? Why was his soul burning?

" _Severus. Severus._ "

"Leave me alone!" He turned and ran, away from the group, away from the blue light, into the darkness.

The group fallowed. He could hear their pounding footsteps. They were coming for him, to take him, he was sure. But he couldn't run far. He was burning.

" _Severus. Severus!_ "

And then they were on top of him, surrounding him, reaching for him.

"No! No, stop! Please!" He fell to the floor, away from their reaching hands. "Please, no!" One of them grabbed him and he screamed as his soul caught fire.

"Severus! Severus, stop! It's all right!"

The group was gone, along with the pain. Lily had hold of him instead. "Lily, what-?"

"You have to forgive yourself."

"I-what? How can I-?"

"Trying asking them for forgiveness first." She started to pull away from him.

"Lily, no. Don't! Please."

"I have to, Sev. I'm sorry." She was prying at his fingers. "I wasn't supposed to interfere. I have to go."

"Lily!" He reached out for her. But pain shot through him and he was back with the group of people he'd murdered.

" _Severus. Severus!_ "

"No, please! I'm sorry!" He yelled and waved his arms aimlessly, trying to push them away from him. "I'm sorry! Stop, please!" As they pressed in around him, he pulled his knees to his chest, covering his head with his hands. His fear overtook him. "Forgive me. Please, forgive me."

He'd always hardened himself after a murder. Some, in his stupid youth, he'd enjoyed. But as an adult he'd told himself murder was what he'd had to do to keep himself alive, to keep Voldemort believing in him. Now, as he lay in a fetal position on the floor, tears started flowing, tears he'd never let fall before. Years of pent up emotion came pouring out. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." If he could take it all back, if he could change who he'd become, if he could have saved all those people, he would have.

The burning lessened. The group had backed away. As Severus unburied his head from his knees, he could see the muggle man standing over him. The man reached down and grasped him arm. Severus cried out in pain, feeling as though someone had touched a hot poker to his arm. But a moment later, the pain was gone. He looked down at his arm as the man released him and he saw the fracture that had been there had vanished. He looked up at the man, who was now glowing with the warm light Severus was used to seeing.

The man smiled and then passed him by. Severus sat up as the group of people in front him came nearer. He remembered all of their faces. And as they approached him singularly, he said the names of those he knew.

As the each person approached, they would touch him, his soul would burn, but then one more fracture would be gone. The victim standing over him would glow with light, no longer the revenge seeking victim he had imagined in his nightmares but a pure and happy soul. They would pass by him and a new nightmarish victim would approach.

They seemed to come up in order according to how severe a fracture they had left on him. Each touch felt worse than the last. And yet each healing felt more wonderful than the one before. He was in tears again before long and he couldn't stop them flowing. His soul was in a constant fluctuation of extremes between pain and joy and he couldn't contain the dueling emotions.

The last person to come forward had left a fracture in his soul running the length of his chest right down the middle. He was in pain before the man was within five paces of him. Severus fell again to the floor, sobbing.

"Albus. Albus, I'm so sorry."

Dumbledore kneeled down, his eyes dark and expressionless, the rest of his face just as lifeless. He reached a cold, grey hand toward Severus, who cried out in pain that forced further tears from his eyes.

"Oh, my dear, Severus." Dumbledore was still kneeling over him, now radiating warmth and light - not unusual for him even in life. He smiled gently as he slid a hand beneath Severus and helped him sit up. "Had I known what it would do to you… I would never have asked. At least, not so coldly."

Overcome with the emotion filling his soul, Severus surprised the both of them as he pulled the man to him and continued to cry into his shoulder.


	4. Lilly Again

Severus didn't remember walking through a door. He must have done so, but all he could remember was crying into Dumbledore's shoulder one minute and Lily's the next. And Dumbledore's words, "I leave you in more capable hands than mine."

Severus couldn't remember it, but Dumbledore must have pulled him to his feet, carried him through the door, and left him with Lily.

"I know it's hard," Lily said as she held him. For the life of him, Severus could not stop himself from crying. "You've been living with a fractured soul nearly all your life. It's what allowed you to bury your emotions so effectively in the past. Now that the pieces are connecting, you can't fight it anymore. There is no place to bury your feelings where they will be disconnected from you. Your emotions feel much stronger to you than they ever have because you're feeling everything you would normally be able to hide."

It made sense. But he was crying too hard to tell her that. He couldn't begin to imagine just what he was crying over, though. Relief at finally being out of that room? Or was it just the emotional shock of being whole after a lifetime of being fractured?

"Give it some time," Lily said, rocking him. "You'll adjust. It's an overwhelming feeling, I know."

"Why does it feel like this?" he asked when he found his voice.

"Because your soul still remembers pain. You're still scarred, very much so. And comparing that pain to what you are feeling now is unbelievable." She let out a laugh. "When you actually do pass this test, you won't feel anything at all. Your soul will be perfect just like it was meant to be. Pain will be a foreign word to you. You won't be overwhelmed, just irrefutably happy."

Severus couldn't imagine it. This, what he was feeling now, was far too chaotic for him to imagine peace, his emotions torn between joy and pain. At length, he regained his composure. But it wasn't so much a regaining as an acceptance. He could no longer bury his emotions away. This time he had to come to terms with him, embrace them. Because this time, he didn't have a choice.

Once he adjusted as Lily had said he would, she helped him to his feet. "Last one," she smiled. And they continued on their way.

"Lily," Severus asked her. "Don't these challenges get harder as they continue?"

"Yes… why?"

"I can't imagine what would be harder than that last one." It was true, he couldn't. Try as he might to picture it in his mind, nothing could even come close to comparing with what he had faced behind the last door.

But Lily didn't give him any hints.

They walked on in silence for a while. Eventually, Lily approached a door and put her hand on the doorknob. She turned slowly to face Severus. "If there's anything you had wanted to say earlier, now is the time to say it."

Strange at is seemed, Severus couldn't think of anything. There had been so much he'd wanted to say before, but now he felt that it didn't need saying. After seeing her open the viewing hole and after experiencing the joys of an intact soul, he knew that she already knew what he'd wanted to say.

"Let's just get this door over with," he said.

Lily shook her head, her hand still on the doorknob. "You don't understand. This is your final test."

He was confused. "What do you mean?"

"The door you're meant to go through is behind you." She gestured with her hand, and he turned to look behind him. "This door, here, is my door. It's my way home. When I go through it, you can't follow me. When I go through it, you'll never see me again."

The amazing feeling he'd been experiencing, complimentary of his soul being intact, started to dissipate. "I don't understand."

She walked up to him, taking his hand. The scar there was wide and it traveled down his arm, across his chest to his heart, then over his stomach where it traveled down a leg. It crossed his entire body, marking the dominant role it played.

"You're love for me," she said. "Caused you to do some wonderful things. You turned against Voldemort, leaving the cause of the Death Eaters that you had so strongly believed in. You protected Harry to your dying breath. You turned to Dumbledore and the Order of the Phoenix and supported their cause. Believe me when I tell you, your love for me is and has always been the best part of you.

"But it's also the worse part." She touched the scar on his hand. "Your love for me caused you to lash out against those who also sought my love, my sister and James. You hated Harry because he reminded you that I had loved another man. Because of your love for me, you harbored hatred and anger that you carried throughout the length of your life to the point that you turned anyone who might want to grow close to you away. And it scarred you."

She looked up at him. "This is your final test, Severus. For the scars I left on your soul, you have to let me go."

He shook his head. "No."

"Yes," she said.

There were tears as the finality of it sunk in, and he couldn't stop them from falling. She put her arms around him and hugged him. This really was his last chance to say anything her. He'd never see her again.

"I tried to save you," he said, holding her to him, hoping that somehow she could stay with him.

"I know."

"I've missed you so much."

"I know."

"I love you."

"I love you too, Sev." She pulled away from him, reaching up a hand to brush at the tears rolling down his face. "But not the way you want me to."

She hugged him again and then headed for the door. He held on to her hand until distance pulled it away from his. She stopped at the door and turned one last time to face him. There were tears on her cheeks. "Don't try to follow me."

There she was again, standing at that portrait hole and telling him goodbye. Just like before, he couldn't follow her. But this time, it wasn't his choice. It had been a lot easier when it was his choice.

She entered the door and for a few paces his feet moved to go after her, but then he stopped. The door was still open. Lily had vanished but light was shinning in the doorway, taunting him.

It was part of the test, and he knew what would happen if he followed her. He turned around to face the door behind him. The fact that it was closed drove home the fact he was never going to see her again.

He put his face in his hands as sobs shook him. This wasn't fair, it wasn't. He had changed so much already, he could feel it. So, what if his love for her had been the worse part of him? It had also been the best part, and he had to give both sides up? Even in the afterlife he would never see her. He had to live out his life and death with the pain of missing her?

But maybe that was the point. Maybe in giving up the good parts of his love for her as well as the bad, there would be no pain. He wouldn't miss her. But if that was true, was it worth it? A new life without of the effects Lily had had on him?

He turned back to the door she had gone through, its light still shining. No, it wasn't worth it. How could it be? He wouldn't have made it through these tests if it wasn't for her. How could he take out the good parts and still be himself, still have the soul that he did? It didn't make sense.

He turned around again, facing the door he needed to enter. He grabbed at his hair. This was maddening. How could he do this? How could he make this decision?

 _Don't try to follow me_.

He had to listen to her. He could have pursued her after she had told him goodbye at that portrait hole, but he hadn't. It wasn't that he hadn't wanted to. But he'd had enough respect for her to honor her wishes. And he had enough respect for her now to know she knew what she was talking about.

If he followed her through the door, he would fail. Just as he would have failed had he continued pursuing her after the incident at the portrait hole. He could see it in his head. Slowly, she would have grown to hate him, no longer able to look back on their friendship as something good.

Lily knew what she was talking about. She hadn't been the smartest witch of her age for nothing. He didn't like what he had to do, but he knew she was right. Besides, did he want everything he'd done so far to be for nothing?

He closed his eyes, trying to calm himself. His mother was waiting for him, at least. And he had the unbelievable happiness Lily had mentioned to look forward to. Surely, that was worth it? Surely, he could convince himself to leave Lily behind for that?

His eyes still closed, he ran at the door, not trusting himself to be able to actually turn the doorknob. He ran with what he hoped was enough force to break the door in. Because if he actually had to turn the knob himself, he didn't believe he could do it.


	5. Afterlife

He was floating, floating in a cone of light. He was being lifted up. His hand came up in front of his face, and he could see the scar starting to fade. And for a moment or two everything felt right, like this was where he was meant to be.

And then he was falling, falling down faster and faster, away from the light into darkness. Where once there was warmth, there was cold.

He was freezing, and then burning. His scars and fractures were reopening, like something was cutting into him. He felt himself being pulled in different directions. His fractures and scars were deepening, becoming wider and longer than they had been before. His soul was being stretched to its limits, in danger of being ripped apart. Someone, somewhere, was screaming and screaming and screaming.

And then he was in the hall of light again, lying on the floor, the darkness gone.

"I'm sorry, Severus." James' voice sounded above him. "I didn't think they'd send you there. I thought you accepting my pass through the door would be enough to… You need to take my hand."

It was an effort to turn his head. Severus could see James kneeling over him, his arm outstretched.

He couldn't take James' hand even if he wanted to. If he'd still had a body, he would have thought someone had crushed every bone in it. He couldn't move. Someone had done something to his soul. Turning his head had been hard enough, how could he possibly raise up his arm? Besides, it was so much easier to just lie here on the floor. He could do that forever. In fact, he quite liked the idea. He closed his eyes, ready to give in.

"Severus, please," said James. "I can't hold them off for long. They'll come for you. They'll take you back there. Nothing can keep them from taking a soul that's rightfully theirs. Give me your hand."

Severus ignored him. This floor was the most comfortable surface he'd ever laid on. But then his eyes snapped open. He could hear screaming like what he'd heard before. And though he couldn't raise his head to look, his soul was trembling. The darkness, whatever it was, was coming for him.

"Severus, give me your hand." James pleaded.

He opened his mouth to explain he couldn't move, but the words came out raspy and incoherent. Something had happened to his voice, and he realized the person he had heard screaming earlier had been himself. The screams echoing now in his ears as the darkness approached him were ones he had made.

He wanted out of here.  _Now_. But as he tried to raise his hand, he could only lift it a few inches off the floor.

"Severus, please. I can't do it for you."

"Can't…move." He managed to rasp out, attempting again to raise his hand.

"You have to try." Fear was etched in James' face as he looked over Severus body. The screams were growing closer and louder.

His soul was shaking involuntarily. Severus wanted to get up. He wanted to run. But he couldn't. He thought of Lily, of his mother, what their reactions would be when James came to them and explained how he, Severus, had struggled in vain to get away.

Severus clawed at the floor, trying to force himself closer to James. The screams were right behind him and already the light of the hall was starting to darkening. James said something to him, but the words were muted and Severus couldn't hear.

He grasped James' ankle, pulling himself closer. He pushed himself up on James's knee, reaching with his free hand. A scream sounded in Severus' ear and he thought the darkness had taken him and he was being surrounded by his own screams once again. But then light exploded from where his fingers met James'. And while the darkness recoiled against it, Severus could feel himself being strengthened. The light filled his vision until he couldn't see. But he could still feel James' hand gripping his and Severus knew he'd made it. He'd finally passed the test.

 

 

The white receded and he saw red.

"You made it! You're okay! You're all right!"

Severus almost toppled over under the force of Lily's enthusiastic hug. He was at too much of a loss to even put his arms around her.

"I  _knew_  you'd make it. I knew it!" She kissed him on the cheek as she let him go.

"But-I-" He brought his hand up absentmindedly to his cheek. "You said-"

"I  _lied_. I'm sorry, Severus. I had to or the choice would have been too easy." He couldn't think of anything to say to her. He was too shocked for words. But she didn't give him too much time to recover. "Come, on. I want to show you the house." She nearly pulled him off his feet as she grabbed his arm. Severus could hear James laughing heartily behind him.

She pulled him into the kitchen. It took Severus a minute to realize he was in the house she and James shared as Lily picked up certain trinkets and started telling him stories. She was passing along memories he had never had the opportunity to share after he and her had parted ways. Sadly, he hardly heard a word she said, still shocked over the fact that he had not only passed the tests but that he was also allowed to see her.

Lily didn't have an opportunity to drag Severus to any other rooms. Before long, Sirius arrived at the house, followed by Remus and Tonks.

"We're having a bit of a party," Lily explained. "To celebrate life… and death. You're welcome to stay, but I promised your mother I wouldn't keep you too long."

"What do I do now?" he asked her. "I mean, now that I'm here, in this life, what do I do?"

"Whatever you want," she said. "And I know that sounds like too simple an answer, but it's true. Although, there is something I need to pass on." She put down a trinket she had been showing him. "When it's time, and you'll know when, Lucius Malfoy is going to need a guardian. Are you interested in taking that job?"

Lucius had always been a close friend, and Severus answered without hesitating. "Yes. I would."

"Then, here." Lily held out her hand and Severus took it. As he did so, something passed over him, like a breeze.

"Am I supposed to feel any different?"

She shook her head. "All I did was grant you access to the Hall of Light and its doors. You'll understand more when it's time."

Severus didn't stay at the party for long. It was weird being among people whom he had never considered friends before. Yet, they all offered him congratulations and were warm toward him, like he'd been friends with them all for years. He left the Potter house with the state of mind that he would be back some time. But right now, everything was so new and different and he needed time to adjust to it.

He had no idea what he wanted to do with his death. But as he closed his eyes and imagined the face of his mother, he knew where he would start. And, he thought, it wasn't a bad beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I entertained you, consider buying me a coffee: Ko-fi.com/heidirs
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
